I went on a quest, searching everywhere for the still quiet that shouldhave existed within. I used every tool I had available to me, frantically searching for the still peace I needed. I had lost not only myself, but everyone else in my life - except myfriend. Little did I know that my friend would end up being the solitary thread that kept me attached to the world of the living long enough for me to find myself.
I faced demons of untold proportions, trying to fight them with tools that failed to destroy them. I didn't realize it was my inner child I was seeking to kill with such vengeance. I faced my first bout with death by stroke before I sought assistance with my fight. Petrified, but challenged by death to seek help, I found grace through friendship, I found friendship with the proverbial wise man.
I sought help with a vengeance, inhaling the written words of many authors. I wanted to kill the demons that would not leave me alone at night in my dreams. I wanted to rid myself of these faceless, hideous beings. I was foolish to have assumed I could rid myself of what I could not see. I did not know I was blindly trying to kill myself in increments.
Through sheer grace I was slowed down in my unconscious battle to kill myself. I finally stopped and listened to what this wise man had to say. I was told I was special, because I had asked the question. I thought him truly madder than I was myself. I couldn't imagine why he saw my suffering as a blessing in disguise. But, I was convinced to continue listening to my dreams. He struck a cord in my soul that triggered my natural curiosity. He did not know I could not stand a puzzle I could not solve. I was given puzzle pieces week after week, convincing me to just listen closer to myself and I'd find that stillness within.
I listened long enough to find the locked trunk of my unconscious. Once found, I wanted it opened immediately. However, I found my trunk required 100 keys I did not have. I couldn't comprehend the wise man when he told me the keys would only be found when I was strong enough to hold them and grasp them. I had to grow wiser to face the contents of that trunk.
I studied with the wise man, gaining clues to find these keys I did not deserve to have. A voice within kept telling me I did not deserve to find the treasure that lay within. I unknowingly took my anger out on myself for not having the tools to find those keys. I started another path leading to the self-destruction of my body, only I was running faster. The more I understood, the harder the keys were to find.
Just when I'd think I had found a key to self-preservation, I'd see that what I found was just another lock I could not open, and I punished myself from within again. I did not think the treasure within the chest was ever attainable, much less worth obtaining. I sank back into the unconscious sea of my unknowing self-abuse, never realizing that abuse was the only tool I had ever learned to use well. I was using it on myself to eat away the flesh of my body to near death again.
Victim of abuse, I only deserved to remain so. I was not worthy to be. I was about to disappear physically, through weight loss, and mentally, because I couldn't find the answers fast enough - I was in a race with time. I had punished myself over things I did not know I had not caused. I had to be evil, for evil had been put on me. Had I been good, bad things would not have happened to me. I had to find the last key or loose another portion of my body to abuse again.
One night, as I screamed for help from the depths of my dreams, I met the abusers from the bowels of my repressed life. I found the last key and was able to hold it in my grasp. I wished I had never found that key, for it allowed me to see the evil that had slept in my past. Once the past came alive, I knew I had been treated like refuse, tossed and thrown away.
Once I faced my worst nightmare, I finally knew I didn't bring about the abuse, nor could I have ever stopped it. I had been betrayed by my family in a manner so unspeakable that no punishment would have ever sufficed, even if I had been allowed to inflict it.
I survive now, because I found I was special, just as the wise man said. I had always been special, I had just forgotten where, when, and why. You see, I had already survived. I had already been my own hero. I had just not found the 100 keys to the trunk containing my past. Once I opened the trunk, I was finally able to read the book, "My Life," and know I had always been a hero.
Now, I can step forward in life because I deserve to. I have been allowed grace through friendship. I step forward cautiously, though, for I'm still taking baby steps. I'm still a child learning to take baby steps at the age of 47. One day I'll be able to run - towards happiness, love, and acceptance. Oh, what a lot of exploring I have to do, now that I know I'm allowed. I'm allowed to be happy, loved, and accepted. It was always my right, I had just forgotten and still keep forgetting. I have the still quiet within now, but must keep reminding myself it is truly there.
Pat Thompson
Last updated 10th May 1999