It is exactly 5 months to the day since i was raped. Why do i feel as if it was only yesterday? Why am i hurting so bad, why can't i stop crying, why is the man who raped me never going to pay the price for ruining my life? Why? Because the CPS have decided not to go ahead and take on the case. So much for justice.
My life is in little peices around my feet. The one thing keeping me going since it happend was the thought that at least when it got to trial i could stand up and tell the world what he did to me, how much he hurt me, just what he put me through. To make him hear it from my lips, so he could see what a devestating effect he had had on my life, to be able to tell everyone the truth about what really did happen that day, the truth i have kept so tightly locked away inside of me these last months. To make him watch and listen to exactly what he said, what he did to me, the things he has so convenieintly forgotten. To make him watch as the jury and people in court recoil in horror as i recounted details of the torture he put me through.
Now i will never get that chance. If only i could have told my side of the story as it happened i know there would not have been any doubt about him being found guilty. Odly enough it wasn't the satisfaction of hearing him sentenced that i was looking forward to it was just being able to tell my story in front of him and everyone else in court that mattered.
I have felt worse this last 24 hours than after it had happened if that is possible. Before i knew i had something to grasp on to, although i knew it was never going to be easy. But no-one really prepared me for this, that it wouldn't go any further. The police when i spoke to them only a few days ago were still very positive about the chances. It seems the CPS need a 51% chance of gaining a conviction with the evidence they are given before they will take a case to trial. A few weeks ago it was 50%, so we were all hopeful. When i started doubting that they wouldn't everyone said don't worry i am sure they will, so i kept hold on that belief.
Now my world has crumbled. I am scared and frightened. There is nothing to stop this man finding me and doing the same thing again, after all he got away with it once, why not twice? He has already threatened me, what is there to stop him getting his revenge in any way he sees fit? Nothing, nothing at all. This is a crazy vengeful man, someone who will not accept that he got off the hook, and i know he won't let it rest there. So not content with devestating my life, i now live in fear of the consequences of reporting the rape in the first place.
I became worried a day before i got the call telling me about the CPS's decision. Maybe it was second sight i don't know. I only knew i didn't want to be in my house any more. So i arranged for my kids to go and stay with their dad for a few days, while i came to stay here, somewhere safe. Somewhere he doesn't know about. My eldest son was back at the house feeding the pets when the man who attacked me called and asked for me by name. My son was shaken and upset. He was the one who had found me afterwards, and recognised the unmistakable accent. That is how i know he will stop at nothing to take revenge for the slight i have cast on his name.
So now what do i do? I feel i have to hide. I can't go back to the house as i am too frightened. All the police can suggest is to change my phone number. All that will do is make it more akward for all that know me and he knows where i live and can just as easily come to the house if he can't get hold of me on the phone. It doesn't really solve anything.
I feel that this is the only one time in my life i have stood up to anyone, and i feel like i have been slapped in the face. It doesn't do anything for my confidence or my self esteem. In fact i feel like i am the guilty one, that i am the one paying the price. I've even started to doubt what really happened that day. I have been over and over it in my head this last 24 hours looking for things that may have made it my fault, looking for signs that i may have led him on doubting my version of events. Some nameless solicitor somewhere decided that there wasn't enough evidence, so i must have done something to make me partly responsible for what happened, otherwise they wouldn't have dropped the case.
It feels like i have a big numb patch deep inside of me. I can't reach it, it is too deep. But all around that numb patch aches. It aches like nothing i have ever felt before. I can't get at it to make it better, i don't know how. I feel like all the strength has gone. The fight has died. I want to go to sleep and not wake up for a long time. Long enough for it all to be well forgotten and just a distant memory. I want someone to take all the pain and hurt away. I don't think i can face anything any more. Part of me has gone forever. I want to be a little girl again. I want someone to look after me, to kiss the pain away, to make it better. I want to be able to close my eyes and know that the dreams won't haunt me night and day. But this is the real world. I know i will either crumble and break or i will heal and recover. Right now i am not sure which path lies ahead. All i know is there is no such thing as justice.
Last updated 11th October 1998