Lynne agreed to let me use her story on Survive. This is a very graphic, triggering story of her rape and subsequent trial ordeal. Although she got her case to trial the rapist was found not guilty.
I will leave you to read it for yourselves and decide if justice was seen to be done...
I was out on a Birthday night out for one of my friends birthdays, in all there were six of us and we were having a really good time. We ended up going in an Irish bar in town - were dancing and really enjoying ourselves.
By this time it must have been after midnight, me and my friend Kate (the Birthday girl) were approached by two Irish lads who offered to buy us a drink - we said no and carried on dancing. They asked us again, but we still said no. We carried on chatting to them and they asked us if we knew anywhere to go after hours - they were going back to Ireland the following day. We didn't know anywhere and told them this - it was mentioned then that it was Kate's birthday and they bought us a drink.
We carried on dancing and having a good time. During the time in this pub, one of the girls was being sick in the toilets and I went in to see if she was ok, I put my drink down on the side and as I left picked up the wrong one, drank some of it and when I realised took it back to get mine.
One of the Irish lads group was at the bar, so I went over to him to ask him to come and join us - he did and we carried on dancing, took a few photos and were really enjoying ourselves. When it was closing time, they asked us if we all wanted to go back to the pub they were staying at. One of the lads brother owned it and he was in charge for the weekend.
At first some of the girls weren't keen, but we soon changed our minds and left the club together. At the time, I thought there would be no problem - three lads and six girls - safety in numbers and all that. There was even an Irish girl who worked at the pub who joined us outside. We all walked up to the pub and were laughing and joking - I hadn't really spoken to 'him' at this time - only at the bar to ask him to join us. I think now why did I do that, but I am just a really friendly person so it was a natural thing for me to do.
We got to the pub and had made it clear that we would pay for any drinks we received. We sat chatting and listening to music, once again 'he' was sitting quietly and I called him to join in. Ok I did fancy him, but that was all. We sat chatting and got on really well. He gave me his business card and asked to keep in touch, we swopped phone numbers and email addresses - it was a really comfortable situation.
The phone rang and it was another pub asking if they had any beer, 'he' shouted to his mate "get me an eighth of charlie', I asked him what he wanted it for and he told me it helped him keep awake and took out this plastic phial thing from his pocket with some charlie in and snorted it. I have never used drugs and told him I didn't really know much about it.
At this time I was working in a hostel for children who had been in care. I had started there in the June and it was my dream job. All through school and Uni I wanted to work in this occupation, I was a Housing Support Worker for a local housing association and loved it. I used to do shift work and coped with some difficult and violent situations. Some of these included drink and drug related incidents, but I enjoyed the work.
We carried on chatting and by this time Kate had gone to the toilet - she was getting on really well with his brother. She was gone quite a while, so I went to find her. I went into the toilets and looked after her while she was being sick (another one!) When she was ok, she went back into the bar - I stayed to use the toilet and as I was washing my hands 'he' came into the toilet, I asked him what he was doing and he kissed me. I pushed him away and told him I had to find Kate to see if she was ok.
As I went back into the bar, one of the other girls was asleep on the benches and the other three had ordered two taxis (must have been about 4.30 am - I am usually well home by this time, but the night just went so fast). Three of the girls left, which left just myself Kate and Karen - and the three lads. The barmaid had gone to bed soon after we arrived.
Still I felt fine. One of the girls asked me to look after the others as I wasn't as drunk as them - I told her I knew what I was doing and wasn't drunk. When the barman asked us to wait upstairs in the living area - this didn't seem strange. I told 'him' then that nothing was going to happen between us, I would kiss him and that was all. Don't know why I said that, I just did. 'He' laughed and said he only wanted to get to know me, just wanted to chat.
The barman said he'd wake up Karen, so me, Kate and the two 'lads' went upstairs. I followed 'him' into a room, thinking that it was a living room and thought Kate and 'his' brother would be behind - they weren't and 'he' closed the door. I went over to the window to see if the taxi was there, when I turned around 'he' had taken his shirt off. I asked him what he was doing and told him again that nothing was going to happen, he said he felt uncomfortable and not to worry. I continued to stand by the window and he sat on the bed, the room wasn't a living room, but a bedroom. He asked me to come and sit down - I told him again that nothing was going to happen, I'd kiss him and that was all. I thought if I make myself clear then everything would be ok. 'He' said he didn't want anything to happen and not to worry.
I sat down on the bed next to him and we started to kiss, we fell back on to the bed and he tried to lift my top up and grab my breasts - I asked him to stop and sat up, he did stop and apologised, I told him again that I didn't want anything to happen. We carried on kissing and he put his hand up my skirt, I told him no again and he stopped. You're probably thinking now, why didn't I just leave. I don't know, he was stopping when I said no so I didn't feel in danger and I thought the taxi would be here soon.
He kissed me again and pulled the quilt over us - this was over my head so I couldn't see anything. I then felt him pull my tights down again with my knickers, I told him no, but he just looked at me. I didn't think anything would happen, so I just lay there and tried to pull them back up, but I couldn't move. I just remember his face looking down on me and feeling his hot body against mine. The next thing I knew he was on top of me and I felt this sharp pain inside me. I was a virgin and didn't have a clue what was happening, just these sharp pains inside me. I told him no, but he carried on.
I tried, I really did try to push him off me but I couldn't, my friends were in the next room so why didn't I shout, why hadn't I got the first taxi home.
When I managed to push him off me I was crying, I said to him that I didn't want anything to happen, I told him no, but he carried on. I punched him, but had no strength behind the punch, I was crying and said to him 'you raped me you bastard'. He just sat there looking at me, then he said 'well you wanted me to please you, so thats what I've done'.
I looked down and saw blood on the quilt, I know your meant to bleed when its your first time, but there was so much blood. I got hold of his hair and pushed his head to the quilt saying 'look what you've done to me, you bastard, I said no!
I managed to stand up and pull my tights and knickers up. He still sat there on the bed, I remember he had his trousers on still. I left the room and was crying for Kate - Karen and the barman were on the stairs, I was totally in shock and walked down the hallway into the bathroom.
I stood in the corner of the bathroom - wedged between the toilet and the sink and just watched the blood trickle to the floor, it just wouldn't stop. Kate came into the bathroom and asked me what had happened. She had just been into the room I had been in and saw 'him' sitting on the bed, she saw the blood and asked him who's it was, 'he' just said your mates, shes mad. I kept crying and apologising to her, I couldn't breathe and was crying so hard. In the end Kate said 'I don't want to put words into your mouth, just tell me what has happened'. I finally managed to say that he had raped me.
By this time his brother and the barman came into the bathroom to see if I was ok, they were really nice at first and were trying to calm me down, they knew what had happened and wanted to call the Police. I said I didn't want them calling as who would believe me, I had been drinking, was wearing a short skirt and had gone into the room with him. The two lads told me to get a shower and they would get me some boxer shorts to wear. I told them I wasn't getting a shower and asked for Karen. Karen came in and said whats going on you were fine before. Apparently she had come into the bedroom with the barman and we were under the quilt!
I told her that I was trying to get him off me and said look at me. This is when she saw the blood and started apologising for not doing anything. This went on for about an hour, the blood wasn't stopping and I wouldn't call the Police, I was worrying about my mum because I should have been home by then.
One of the lads said 'he' wanted to see me, I said that I didn't want him near me and then said to Karen call the Police. His brother called the Police and then turned nasty, shouting you better get the Police down here, someones calling rape. I then heard a van start up outside and they said he's going for the ferry.
The Police arrived - two Police men! and they asked me what had happened, I was still wedged inbetween the sink and the toilet and was still loosing blood. I told them that I had been raped and they asked me who by. I gave them his card and said that he was going for the ferry. They tried to coax me out of the corner, but I wouldn't move, I told them the bleeding wouldn't stop. Then the two ambulance men(!) arrived and the Police left us alone.
They managed to get me out of the corner and into one of their chairs. One of the ambulance men examined me to see why I was bleeding and put a pad in my knickers to soak up the blood. I was strapped in the chair and carried down the stairs. I still couldn't believe this had happened. Outside there was a Policewoman waiting for me, she came in the ambulance and was really nice. I was put on a drip in the ambulance and I hate needles so I was squeezing her hand like mad.
When I arrived at the hospital there was someone from CID there and he said hello to me. I was taken into a room and was examined by a gynaecologist - luckily the team were all female. The Police phoned my parents and they were on their way. When my Mum and Dad arrived I kept apologising to them saying how sorry I was - I think my mum said if you apologise again I'll go mad! In other words shut up :)
It came to about 10.30 and I was still loosing alot of blood and on a drip, so I was transfered to another hospital to see what was going on. I remember one of the nurses in the first hospital saying to me that she had been raped years ago and if I wanted to talk she was there and that it does get easier. They were so nice.
When I was being examined I didn't want my Mum in the room because I was very distressed so the policewoman stayed with me and let me squeeze her hand. At the second hospital, One of the nurses helped me get undressed and soaked my false nails off - she told me how brave I was - if it was her she would be screaming the place down. By this time I was all cried out and wanted to look ok for my parents!
I was examined in the hospital, but they couldn't tell what was happening so I had to go into theatre. As I was being wheeled into theatre I met another CID officer and the Police surgeon. Luckily I was going to be put to sleep for the examination. Once again everyone was lovely. When I came around from the operation, I was taken to a side ward and put back on the drip, I had lost loads of blood. No one came to see us for ages, so my mum asked one of the nurses what had happened in theatre. Apparently I had needed stitches as the wall had been torn, and only 1 in so many people loose that much blood on their first time- lucky me!
In the afternoon two different Police ladies came to take a quick statement. I told them what had happened and they stayed for a while. I finally got out of hospital about 5.30pm on the Sunday. I was just so dazed, my mum phoned my friends and they all came around. My two close friends hadn't been out with us on the night and came around. I remember Laura saying to me that I seem really distant. It was like I was going through the whole thing like it was a story I had seen on the television. Such a weird feeling. I had been given the morning after pill in the hospital and had to remember to take the next one at I think 5am. It just didn't seem real, I was asking the nurses about HIV tests and STD tests - being really practical.
The Police came the next day and took my statement, I found out that 'he' had been kept in the cells until about midnight on the Sunday, when he was interviewed. SO he had all that time from 7.30am to midnight to get his version right. He went to court on the Monday and he was released on bail, he had to pay 10,000 The Police wanted him kept on remand, but apparently prisons are full! They thought he might disappear, but luckily he was from Ireland so I wouldn't be bumping into him. The judge wasn't happy with the bail arrangements so he had to spend another night in prison and reappear the next day. When he reappeared he was told he couldn't return to Liverpool, only for court appearances.
I walked around for days in a daze, looking awful and feeling awful. I received cards and bouquets of flowers, visitors all the time. Then after a while it stopped. Its like when someone dies, you get so much attention then after the funeral it all stops, people go back to their own lives.
I had been off work for 3 weeks and decided to go back - this was hard. As I had to work nights I wasn't too happy about this, but I had to do it. I managed my first day and late shifts, but on my nights had a bad situation to cope with and broke down crying. Luckily one of my colleagues called in and finished my shift. I had so much hassle with work over my shifts, I was told I had three choices - transfer (still doing nights, but with a coworker), get on with it or resign. I loved this job, so I used my holidays to cover my nights and swapped shifts with other workers. I was working so many hours though and trying to cope with the residents problems was a nightmare. Because I got on with them really well, they would come and tell me about if they had been abused and two of the girls had been raped. I managed to switch myself off and deal with their issues, but in the end I had had enough.
I was still getting hassle over my nights, I even saw the head of Personnel who is a woman and when I told her how it had happened she was so relieved it hadn't happend in a dark alley way! Like that would make it easier. I went off sick over Christmas, kept receiving notes asking me when I was coming back so I made the decision to leave and went back to my old office job as a temporary worker. They were sorry to see me go and gave me a full months pay. I still miss the job and I've called in there once, I get panicky about going there and I feel like I've let the residents down. One day I was there and the next I had gone with no explanation.
The Police kept me informed of all 'his' court appearances, and I think in October I found out it would be March. It still didn't seem real. I went for my HIV and STD tests and they all came back negative! But still I was acting like I was doing nothing out of the ordinary, I was like oh yeah I've got my HIV test tomorrow. The seriousness just wasn't hitting me. The Police had blood tests done for alcohol and drug levels, I thought they would be no problem. The alcohol level wasn't too high, I had drank about 9 drinks that night, but they found traces of speed in my blood, only a very small amount, which could have come from taking the wrong drink. My luck again, never touch drugs and the night I am raped they are in my blood. The Police scientist agreed with the wrong drink though as the trace was 0.0something.
Then I think after Christmas I found you guys (Survive) and I am so happy to have found you.
The court case was not as bad as I had expected, I think I wrote and told you about going for a look around first. On the day I went to the Police station with my mum and dad and the Police took us to court. It was so unreal. Karen and Kate arrived and we were taken to a witness room. The barman and barmaid were witnesses for the prosecution aswell, so I was worrying about seeing them. Luckily the Police had warned the courts and we were kept separate. A few of my friends also came down to give me support.
When all the witnesses had to go into court to see the jury swore in, was the first time I had seen him. He had put on weight and looked quite rough. At first I couldn't look at him and felt tears in my eyes, then I don't know what happened I just sat there staring at him. He looked over and I carried on looking. I wanted him to know I wasn't scared. When the jury was sworn in we all left the court room. I was called first and was so nervous, I remember getting to the court room and taking a deep breathe before I went in. All the Police were sitting outside and smiled at me. My mum, dad and friends were in the court room. When I was on the stand at first I was nervous, but once I got talking I wasn't too bad.
My barrister was ok, I got a bit offended though when he asked me to describe the top I was wearing that night. He just asked me about the nights events, I tried to think of everything, but I did forget to mention somethings. It was so hard explaining what he had done to me and I did get upset. When I said the part about me saying to him 'you raped me you bastard', I looked him straight in the eye - something I wanted to do. When he had finished the judge asked me if I wanted a break, but I said no as I wanted to get it over and done with.
When his barrister started I was ready for his questions. He kept asking me why I had gone into a bedroom with him - I kept saying that I had gone into a room with a bed in, I didn't know it was a bedroom. He made me sound stupid, by asking me how long I had known him for and I was kissing him and exchanging phone numbers. He mentioned my false nails and how they weren't damaged. If your pushing someone off you, you don't use your nails.
He asked me if 'he' had ejaculated inside me, I said how would I know being a virgin. He said that I was drunk I said I wasn't I knew what I was doing. He asked me if I go out often, I said that I used to. When he said 'I put it to you Miss X that you are crying rape, you saw the blood and panicked.' I said to him why would I be embarrased about the blood, he had raped me I had said no but he carried on and why would I be standing here. He said that maybe it had all gone to far, I said no he raped me and that is why I am here. He mentioned the drugs in my blood and how they can lead to sexual urges. I insisted I wasn't a drug user, but he still called me one.
'He' claimed that I went over to him started kissing him and took my bra off, so this was mentioned. He was trying everything, I was getting angry, but trying to remain calm. He tried to confuse me but I kept to my point. Even though 'he' couldn't question me he could still pass notes to his barrister for points he wanted to bring up. His barrister asked for a five minute break while he consulted with his client.
I was asked to sit down and the Jury and Judge left the room. No one could come to me and I felt so alone, I wanted to cry, but thought I can't loose it now. I kept thinking I'm doing this for Survive, they're all behind me.
When the court came back together he asked me some ridiculous question about how far the doors were in the pub and that the bedroom door was not closed as it wouldn't shut properly, I said that I was by the window so I didn't know. He mentioned about Karen and the barman coming into the room and why hadn' t I seen them - I said how could I with a quilt over my head. He went on saying how his client was very concerned about me that night and was in shock!
I was released from the court and when I went passed the dock he looked at me and I mouthed 'You bastard' ran out of the court and burst into hysterics. The witness lady came to get me and I was crying so hard. It was such a weird feeling, that was it. There was so much I had wanted to say in there but never got the chance. It is so unfair that he can pass notes to his barrister, it was like he was cross examining me.
I then went home and my friends stayed for the afternoon, nothing great came up on that day. On the second day I didn't want to go back but my mum and dad did. So they went and I just couldn't settle, I phoned my friend who works near the courts and we went. In the morning was the medical evidence. His barrister kept going on about why wasn't I bruised and scratched and kept mentioning my false finger nails being intact. The medical evidence said I had internal bleeding and required stitching but there was no evidence of a struggle! Maybe I should have struggled somemore, I just froze,
The Police scientist said that I wasn't drunk and the drug level was inconsistent, but still his barrister used this to say it had created increased sexual urges! His blood alcohol was a bit higher than mine but had a lot of cocaine in it - which also increases urges. This wasn't mentioned much though, his barrister kept going on about my false nails, lack of bruising and the affects of drink and drugs.
When the medical evidence had finished, it was time for the taped interview of 'him' to be played. This is quite rare I was told, but they played it. I sat in on the whole thing which I found very upsetting, but I thought if he gets found not guilty I want to know what he said. It was strange hearing his voice again and I think if I hear a male Irish accent again I will be sick. He was 'so nice' about me, saying that I was a lovely girl, had told him about my job, he really liked me and couldn't believe why I had said such things. Was I ok!!! He even said that we were kissing and how good a kisser I was, very passionate!!
He then went on with what happened in the bar and up to the upstairs part - when he graphically told the Police how he had stimulated my clitoris and sucked my breasts. He went through detail by detail using all the correct words for what supposedly happened. All lies, and I could not do a thing, I couldn't pass notes down. I got upset hearing all this, but stayed in the court room. He said that he had gone to lie down to go to sleep, but I had gone over to him, started kissing him and removed my top and bra. He said we were both enjoying myself and that my vagina was wet (sorry if I'm saying to much, but I want to tell you).
My mum and dad sat there listening to this, my dad had his head in his hands. I felt sick, he didn't do anything he described and yet I felt so dirty and ashamed I wanted everyone to know that he was lying he had not done that to me. He sounded so convincing and even remembered me saying that I'd kiss him and that was all. He just couldn't believe why I had said that to him, as he was trying to console me. He even said he was naked in bed with me. After he had entered me I let out a scream and when I said no he straight away came out of me and started to see if I was ok, stroke my head and tell me it was ok. I aswell said to him that I shouldn't be doing any of this! He made me sound like a girl who was drunk and had gone too far. When the tape had finished the court was adjourned for lunch, I left the court room feeling so drained and sick. He walked passed me to use the phone and I just felt lifeless. Only his brother was there for him, no parents or anyone else.
I didn't stay for the afternoon session, but he was in the stand then and he said everything he had said on tape. Very confident he was.
The next day I went for the summing up, my barrister mentioned the fact that I was fully clothed with my tights and knickers around my knees and just because I wasn't bruised did not mean anything. He summed it up pretty well. His barrister was once again going on about my false finger nails, no bruising and about the drugs. He made out that is was my first sexual encouter and as it wasn't special this is why I made this up. He said that he wasn't a rapist, but a hard working man who had lost his girlfriend and 2 year old child because of this! Doesn't your heart bleed for him.
The judge then said his piece and said they had to be sure he knew I had said no and it was rape or nothing. He ended by saying I think the defendent and Miss X will never forget that night in their life!
The jury went out at 12.45 and we waited outside the court room for a while until my friends came. He was also sitting a few seats away with his mate and brother. WE went to the pub to get some food, not that I could eat anything. Went back to the court for 2pm and at 2.30 were called back in. The public gallery was full of my friends and my mum and dad with his brother and mate. When the jury came out I knew they had found him not guilty as the past days they had smiled at me, but this time they all looked down. When the foreman said 'Not Guilty'.
His brother and mate cheered. My eyes filled with tears and I couldn't move one of my mates said 'get her out of here', but I couldn't stand I just sat there. One of my mates said he left the dock, tried to catch my eye and said you slag.
Outside the court room they were waiting laughing, I started screaming you bastard, but he just laughed. My mum was calling him a bastard (she never swears) I carried on walking and he shouted go away you scouse scumbags, well, I flew round and started screaming what did you say and went to run for him. Only for my mates dragging me back I would have killed him. It was so horrible, I just felt so numb.
I think the worst part wasn't the verdict, I had expected that. It was hearing what he said about me. It was like he was enjoying describing what was supposed to have happened, that will stick with me. It was like he was mentally raping me again, but he was enjoying it.
I think I've wrote enough for now, sorry if I've gone on or upset anyone. I could say more but I am pretty tired. Thanks for reading this. Lynne 5th April 1999
Last updated 2nd July 1999