I can't remember what was said to trigger my first major flashback. One minute i was sitting quietly talking, the next i was transported to the middle of the actual rape. I was there reliving it second by second. It was so very real, i could feel what was happening, hear what was being said i was unaware of anyone or anything other than what i was being subjected to yet again. I could feel the panic, i couldn't breathe, i struggled, i wanted to escape but i didn't know how. I was going crazy. I wanted to shout and scream for help. I wanted someone to drag me out of this horrendous nightmare. I didn't want to be here. I was enveloped totally once again by the events of that morning. It was really happening again. I was trapped deep in the grip of my tortured mind unable to move, paralysed with fear. I could smell him, feel him, hear him as he violated me, abused me, debased me with his actions, his words. How could this be happening again? I was frightened, i didn't know what to do to make it stop. I could hear someone screaming was it me? I couldn't go any further, i had gone far enough, i needed to get out. I could feel someone stroking my face, feel comforting arms around me and a gentle voice telling me it was ok that i was safe. It was my voice that was screaming for help, it was me that was sobbing, shaking uncontrolably, it was me that had been raped, it was really me. I came out of what i was to learn was a flashabck. I was totally disorientated, dazed, unsure of what had happened, what i had said or done. I felt confused. I cried for a while afterwards, not the hard heavy sobs that wracked my whole body while i was experiencing the rape, but the gentle tears that heal and mend. The tears of relief.

That flashaback was the first of many. I had no control over when and where they happened, and i was never really sure what would trigger them. They didn't get any easier but at least i knew i had the ability to escape during them. I wasn't going to get stuck in some kind of time warp constantly reliving that awful morning. But i found out that they are a way of dealing with a really dreadful event that had happened, Post Traumatic Shock Syndrome is the official name given to these symptoms i was experiencing.

It got to the stage that the flashbacks were becoming more and more intense. Sometimes i would scream, flinch, struggle, sob, cry, shake violently, reacting the way i had no doubt reacted that morning. As they became more frequent i was starting to talk while i was having them, begging my attacker to stop and pleading for him not to hurt me, crying out in agony as he hurt me more, sobbing while he took no notice of my cries of "no please no more". I was vocalising many of the things that i had shouted at him in my head whilst he was violating me, unable to at the time through sheer fear. I was releasing memories that i had pushed deep into my subconscious because of the pain and fear i knew i would expereince when i eventually let them bubble back to the surface again. The time had to be right for me to face those fears and the reality that i had been raped.

It's been a long slow painful struggle. The flashbacks don't frighten me as much as they did at first. I know i can escape from them, i know i won't be stuck there forever in limbo. Now they are gentler. I have relived the whole rape via flashbacks. The ones i have now are quieter. I can have a flashback and no one even realises it. I am calmer, although still dazed and disorientated afterwards, not unlike waking up from a deep sleep where you were having a very lifelike dream. It is hard at first to tell reality from dream. Often i will cry, sometimes hard, sometimes gently. I have learnt not to suppress them any more but to let them come, and go with them instead of fightimg them. They are a part of the healing process.

One day at a time

I know i still have a long way to go, but i am not as impatient as i was. Instead of setting myself a time limit and high expectations of myself to get better like i would with a physical illness i am letting my body and mind dictate the pace of recovery. There are no set time limits to this kind of healing. Everyone deals with it in their own way and in their own time. Now i seem to have settled into a pattern of a few good days and a couple of not so good ones. But, the good ones are slowly out numbering the bad ones. Each day i am growing stronger and more positive. I am starting to regain some of the confidence i was lacking. I am trying hard to overcome the inertia, and take a pride in my appearance again.

I still find it hard to go out, that is a real effort. It is much easier to hide myself away. I am still scared of meeting my attacker face to face, so i avoid areas i know he frequents. I don't like crowds of people any more. Shopping in busy supermarkets is a nightmare, so is visiting a major town on a Saturday. Strangers jostling around me, invading my space makes me panic. I feel myself growing tense and my hands getting clammy. It is easier to cope with if you know that this is a natural reaction. I still need reasurance all of the time that how i feel about things is ok, that my thoughts and reactions are not those of a crazed demented mad woman. I find myself unable to trust many people, and those that i do have had to earn it. I know there is only one person that i feel i can trust totally any more and i find myself even questioning that trust at odd times. Times when i question His actions or what He has said, critical of my own judgement. I tend to take a lot of things out of context. Some innocent remark is suddenly an indication that i am different, that i don't belong, that people are plotting against me. My imagination and paranoia run riot. I need to then take a step back wards and look at what was said realistically, then i realise sometimes, other times i need help, that it is all part of the lack of trust i feel for people. But that is ok. It is all part of the healing process, all part of the Post traumatic stress, and in time it will get better.