I am 42 years old. I was 20 when I was raped. This is the first time I have ever spoken about it. For some reason things have started to fall into place for me and I now realise that every thing about my life has been determined by that event.
I met my first boyfriend when I was 14 and we were together for 6 years before I ended the relationship. It felt a bit lost and I had to start building a new social life. Some friends at work were going to a party and invited me along. I didn't know too many people there and had never been to a party before.
It was at a small flat. I hadn't been there long when a man came up and started chatting he fetched me a drink, it was lager in a plastic cup, I remember saying it tasted funny, he said it was cos it was home brew. The next thing I remember is the bathroom carpet, it was dusky pink and dirty, with scraps of white toilet paper. I remember thinking I shouldn't be laying on it, and wanting to get up but I couldn't move or speak. The room was small and filled with the prescence of two men I think, or maybe more. I felt hands holding my forearms and someones breath but I just kept thinking about the carpet. I felt completely helpless, and horror washed over me over and over again. I don't remember too much about the attack but I remember them stepping over me when they had finished and just leaving me lying there.
I woke up in hospital about 5 hours later and immediately felt intense panic. It must be a mistake it didn't happen. I became hysterical, a nurse tried to calm me down, I couldn't see her face it was blurred but I remember the intense blue of her uniform and her holding my forearms. I grabbed my clothes and got dressed. I remember the blood on my jeans, then I ran and ran for hours. I ended up wandering the streets, I didn't know where I was or where I lived and I had lost my purse.
A taxi pulled up and the man asked if I was ok. He put me in his car and took me back to the rank. He told me to lie on the couch until he had finished his shift then he drove me home. I remember lying there shaking all over, and feeling shocked.
The next day I remember not being able to stop shaking but I felt numb, shocked. I carried on as if nothing had happened, and have done every day since until now. Within weeks I met a new man and had moved in with him within a month. He treated me badly, was abusive, a bully. I stayed with him for 17years. At least I didn't have to go out on dates. In that first year I changed my job, shaved off my hair. I started having migraines and developed IBS. I also started having fits which I now think were extreme anxiety attacks triggered by reminders. The first I remember was particularly powerful. I went to give blood. After I had given blood the nurse came up to me and was putting a plaster on my arm. I remember the intense blue of her uniform and her hand on my forearm, and then nothing until I came to. A doctor told me off for not telling them I was epileptic. I said I wasn't, and he said "you are now".
And so it went on. Difficulty sleeping, forgetfulness, constant tiredness, lack of emotion, numbness, aches and pains, feeling worthless. Moments of deep distress for no apparent reason, but mostly feeling dead inside. For 20 years.
For years I denied what had happened, by telling myself that if it was rape, then I wouldn't be able to have sex, and I did. I now realise that I was usually drunk when I had sex and didn't really feel anything. I have never been in love and only been in relationships where the man used me, and treated me badly. I felt it was all I deserved. I have suffered several other violent experiences and sustained mental and verbal abuse. I felt I deserved it all.
I feel like I have been on the outside, looking in on my life, powerless and weak.
So what has changed? I fell in love. For the first time I really want this man to love me. I want to be good enough. Trouble is I can feel myself slowly starting to sabotage the relationship. I can't let my guard down. I keep telling him that I only want a sexual relationship with him cos I feel that is all I am good for. I want to stop feeling like this. I want my real life to begin.
I hope that my story will help others. Don't try and pretend it didn't happen. Don't hope that it will go away, it won't. Talk to someone, get help no matter how hard it is. Don't let it own you. Not sure if it is too late for me, I hope not.
Lucy 6th January 2007
Last updated 6th January 2007