It Happened To Me

Steph's Story

I am so desperate right now. I feel so low, so depressed, and upset. I have so many emotions, I am not sure how to deal with them all. But I think I have decided to tell you all my story finally. I figure I am ready to tell it, and if I don't it may be a very long time before I feel ready again.

Well it happened to me April 16th, 1997.I had a serious boyfriend at the time, but I was still a virgin. I had finished my grade 13 (OAC) year a semester early, I also worked night shift at a local restaraunt once a week. It was actually fun. Really easy going there. But, for some reason they scheduled me and the other girl the wrong day. We went in the Wed. night/Thursday morning, when we should have been scheduled Thursday night. (I seem to be rambling, but this is difficult).

When the truck that we unloaded never showed up, we decided to leave. The girl invited me to a party that her friends were having. So I went there with her. I met the girls having the party, and they seemed very nice. I started talking to a guy who seemed to be a few years older then me. (the party was a university party, they had all finished exams for the year). He was very nice and polite. Maybe I should have seen it coming.

I had a boyfriend at the time, so I just talked to him with only intentions of friendship. TO make this story shorter, I ended up in a room with him. I have no idea how. He ended up touching me and removing quite a bit of my clothing. I struggled and I cried the whole time. He took off his pants as well. Then he tried to go inside of me, which he succeeded at. But to be very blunt, it was only a few thrusts of going in and out. It was all so horrible and hurt so much. I ended up getting out from underneath of him. Not quite sure how.

He apologized as I ran out of the room very quickly. I wanted to get home, into my house, and into my bed as fast as I could. I never wanted to see this guy again.

Once I got home, I never slept that night, or several night after. I would fall asleep around 4 or 5 am. It was so hard to get up everyday. But I got my wisdom teeth out about a week after. It was a very difficult time. I had a very hard time with my wisdom teeth. But having this experience made it worse. But is was an easy excuse not to have to eat, leave the house, to get taken care of without anyone having to know what happened to me. I lost about 15 pounds in a little over a week. I had no intention of getting better until I couldn't even walk up the stairs to go to bed and my mom literally MADE me drink chicken broth, and eventually jello, and healthy drinks that were supposed to contain a meal in them, and lots of juice constantly.

I didn't tell anyone at the time for many reasons. I didn't want to tell because I didn't know what to call it. Was it rape or sexual assault? I thought it was my fault for going to a party around 1am to begin with. I didn't remember how I got into the room so I thought I might have willingly gone, which is not the type of person I am, and I realize now it is probably not true. I was also so ashamed, I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't feel like I could go to any of my friends, I couldn't go to my boyfriend because I didn't know how he would have handled it, and my mom wasn't healthy at the time. So it was a huge secret.

So my life went on, and I lived without telling anyone. I almost blocked it out of my head. But in Feb. and March of 1998 it came back. I started to think about it a lot. Then the year anniversary came. The day was so hard. Then I moved back home from residence and my boyfriend moved back home (3 hours from me) which was terribly difficult because I felt safe with him. But I confined myself to my house throughout the summer, and finally went out a bit at the end of the summer. The only time I went out was when my boyfriend came to visit or I went to visit him. So that is where I am at today. Except that my boyfriend and I have moved in together since, and I have found Survive, where I have met some great supportive people to help me.

SInce I was a virgin at the time, I think I lost my virginity to him. However, it might sound silly, but I do not consider that to be very true. I consider it to be the time with my boyfriend now. In my head I have a definitin of losing virginity to involving love. What he did to me did not contain any love.

So that is my story. No weapons involved. Only a man who wanted sex. It has crossed my mind that drugs were used. (I have never taken drugs). He even apologized at the end when I got out from underneath him. Maybe he didn't really mean to do it. WHo knows? not me, that is for sure. But only if he knew that I hurt so much from him still. No one knows this story until now.