I hope that none of this is too graphic. I'm just going to type it as I have before. Without stopping. If I stop, I think about it. I still leave out a lot of details that I haven't allowed myself to fully remember yet.
This is the story of my nightmare. I hope that sharing this with others will not only help me, but help them too.
When I was 16 years old, I got involved in an emotionally abusive relationship. Every day was filled with his voice telling me how worthless and ugly I was. I wasn't pretty enough or thin enough. And... He would constantly badger me about wanting to have sex. I was a virgin and wasn't ready. Though, one day, I finally gave in. A week later, we were once again at each others' throats. He told me that he was going to mess with my head until I couldn't handle it anymore.
After dropping him off, I drove to a friend's house in tears. Another friend was at her house and they both tried desperately to console me. We received a phone call, from my friend's ex, inviting us to a party. We said we would go and pulled the old "I'll say I'm at your house, you say your at mine." It worked and off we went.
As soon as we were on the road, we pulled out a bottle of Vodka and began drinking. Once at the party we went inside and I noticed that we were the only girls there with 8 or 9 college guys. The night went on and I was drinking continuously. I was very upset about the fight I had with my boyfriend. After an hour, I had drank enough to make myself sick and spent quite some time in the bathroom. It was than that I passed out.
I woke up hours later to nothing but the light of the television. Looking around I saw that everyone else had also fallen asleep. Except for him. His name was Jason. He was playing video games and looked over at me. He had that dark, mysterious look about him. I was attracted to him from the moment I had walked in the door earlier.
I said hello and he asked if I wanted to take a walk. At no time, did I think I was putting myself at risk to anything. We went for a walk and he asked about the fight I had had with my boyfriend. We talked about it and he held my hand. He even gave me a hug and said he was sorry that I was so upset. After a few minutes, he suggested that we go for a drive. I was upset and did not think anything of it.
I gave him my keys, as I probably wouldn't have been able to even back my car up. We got in my car and I'm not even sure where we drove. He pulled into a neighborhood and shut off my car. Suddenly, he was kissing me. I didn't mind that. I'm not sure how, but he somehow ended up on top of me in the passenger seat of my car.
I do not remember him taking off his or my clothes. I started crying and told him that I had just lost my virginity. That seemed to please him even more. He did so many things to me. I didn't like it. He pulled himself up to me and told me to touch him. I remember looking at him and saying that I couldn't. He grabbed my hand with so much force and made me touch him. He started kissing me and then put himself inside of me. I cried even harder.
It felt like I was in a dream. Those dreams when no matter how fast you run, you're barely moving. I know I tried to push him off of me, but it seemed like my muscles wouldn't even move. I just laid there, in my car. And he raped me. I don't even remember how long it lasted. Everything just seemed to start and end. I have no recollection of anything in between. Afterwards, he told me to put my shorts on and drove us back.
I remember nothing else until I woke up with the sun. Immediately, I woke up my friends and said I wanted to leave then. Before we walked out the door, I turned and looked at him. I kept hoping it had all been a horrible dream. But, he looked at me, put his finger to his lips and shook his head.
That day, I went home and took 5 showers. I finally told a friend a couple weeks later. After that, I just pushed it into the back of my mind. I could talk about it with no problem, but whenever I told the story I denied it to myself that it had happened to me. My boyfriend found out, he gave me a hug and kissed me then said that I had deserved it.
Eventually, I broke up with him when the abuse became physical. I became very depressed and anorexic. Eventually, it caught up with me and I got really sick. I started drinking to no end. For an entire year, I shut out my family and friends and did nothing but drink. After realizing that I was throwing my whole life away, I moved to another state for a month. When I came back, I started putting my life back together.
It has taken me almost 5 years to admit to myself
that I have a lot to deal with. And I've just now begun to sort
through everything. All of my thoughts about it. And all of my
emotional scars. I have had a wonderful boyfriend for the past 3
years and he has tried his best to understand my feelings and the
flashbacks. But, he will never know how it feels. I still have
flashbacks and nightmares, but they are slowly getting better.
Hopefully, I'll someday be able to talk to a counselor. Right now,
I'm still trying to type it on the computer. Thank you all for
hearing my story.
~Laura
Last updated 20th November 1998