Well, here it goes. I've decided to tell my story because i think i need to tell some people that can understand and relate. So here it is. Sorry, but it's rather long.
It started when i was born i guess. My father was threatening to divorce my mother because she is/was an alcoholic and addicted to many drugs (too many for me to remember). She had given birth to my brother 6 years earlier and had refused to stop the substance abuse, so my dad wanted a divorce. Instead, she quit her birth control (with out telling him) and got pregnant with me. She knew my father wouldn't leave her if she had a baby to take care of. (She's not my favorite person, which you will come to realize) so basically i was born an unwanted child.
My father had a strange work schedual and would work 1 day for 24 hrs. and then have 2 days off. My mom worked until 5 but then would go straight to the bar next to her office and drink until about eight, when she finally came home. Then she'd come home, go up to her room, either pass out or get high on whatever her choice of drugs were for the evening. On those days that my dad would work for 24 hrs straight, she would get us up in the morning and would lock us out of the house until she came home.
Here's something that i'm not sure where to insert: so here it is: my brother (6 yrs older than me) would sexually abuse me, touch me in inappropriate places. I must have been older by now, but i don't know how old...under nine (i do know this and you'll find out why). He would tie me down, my arms and legs, to various things so i couldn't try to leave. On the days that my dad and mom worked this would take place.
Anyways, my mom would usually stumble up to the house and try to unlock the door, i usually had to take the key and do it for her. If i did she would get angry and call me a b**ch and a little snob for showing her up. By now i'd also had a little brother, 5 years younger than me. -another way for my mother to keep my dad with her. As soon as i was old enough i took on the role as mother to my little bro. I loved him like my own and took care of him when my dad wasn't around.
My dad was understanding of my mother's behavior and kept us away from her when he could, so i never had the chance to have a mother daughter relationship, not that i would have wanted to with someone like her. My dad was oblivious to my brother abusing me, if he did notice, he ignored it. This went on for quite a while.
There were these train tracks in my town (pop. of about 40) that homeless men would catch rides on. The train would stop in my town, sometimes for days at a time, and the men would pile off and get people in the town to feed them for the day. One of these times, two of these men came to my house. I was home alone, except for my brothers, my mom was who knows where, and my dad was at work. I was playing outside alone and they came up to me in my sandbox and started talking to me...they eventually coaxed me into the field behind my house where the two of them took turns raping me until they were satisfied with what they had done to me.
When my mom came home that night she was drunk (as usual) and had recently done cocaine (which i realized later), i told her what had happened but she was too out of it to know what i was talking about, and didn't remember the next day.
I never told my dad and still haven't for it would just kill him that he couldn't do anything to make it ok.
After this i went through a period of about a year when the only person i really talked to was my little brother. A few years down the road ( i can't remember exactly when) my parents did get divorced. My dad recieved custody of us kids and we had to go visit my mom on Wednedays and every other weekend.
Things with my dad went well, my older brother had stopped abusing me, i think he got old enough to feel ashamed about it. Weekends with my mom were always bad though. She was always drunk, would stay up all hours of the night and then sleep all day. She ended up moving in with her drug dealer, so that worsened the problem. She quit her job so she never had money. There was never any food in the house so on those weekends we just wouldn't eat. My mother was never coherant, so me and my little brother would usually sleep outside to escape from her and her "boyfriend".
Here's something else i just thought of... About 2 yrs ago my mother got into some bad drugs and landed herself in the hospital. She was on her death bed, and i took my little brother to go see her. He cried when he saw her, and i have to say that, that night i prayed for her death. I feel really bad about that now (especially since she lived) but i didn't at the time. She'd hurt me so much already i wasn't going to let her hurt me in her death as well.
She stayed clean after that but is now at it again, full force. Every once in a while she'll try to make up for it by giving us money, but of course it doesn't fix anything...
Besides that i was still living with my dad and brothers in the same small town. I had had only one friend in the neighborhood, he was my age and was my neighbor. Everything with him was great really, and he was the only person i had ever told the whole story to, well, he ended up seeing my situation as an invitation.
When i was 13 he tried to rape me when we were playing in his room. He pinned me to the floor using his hands and body. But when he reached down to unzip his pants, i managed to grab ahold of his hair and pull him off of me. I walked out of there and avoided him until i moved away, at the end of 6th grade.
From there on out nothing tramatic really happened. I didn't have any real friends until this year and i have yet to be able to get close to any guys, or people in general. It's really lonely. wanting to be held and be kissed by someone you really care about, but not being able to because of the fear it always produces.
Now i'm 17, a junior in highschool. I've had one boyfriend since all this, and we broke up because when he wanted to sleep with me, i flipped out and cried uncontrollably for three hours...that was five months ago. So now i've got a huge fear of opening up to people, getting close to my friends...anything making me vulnerable to people leaving me, and anthing intimate scares me unbelievable.
I can hug people and that kind of thing, and i'd be perfectly content to just be held for hours (probably because no one ever did), but anything more is too hard for me to handle and tends to be a huge relationship blocker.
Well, i guess that's all for now, i may add on to it later and probably will. But this is the basics. So now you know what i'm going through, and sorry if i rambled on but it's hard to get this all out. Thanks for listening.
sara
Last updated 15th December 1998