It Happened To Me

I have actully tried many many times to write all of this out before. Hopefully, this time I will be able to complete it. I just started coming to this web-site recently, I have found alot of wonderful people in here.

Well, it was New Years Eve 1996. I was only 17 at the time. I had made plans the previous day to go see the Tournament of Roses Parade. I had gone with just a few friends, we had planned to go and just drink and celebrate the New Year. I was never ever a big drinker. I still to this day have only been drunk maybe 10 times. When we got there it was so crowded, and so cold. I had decided I wasn't going to drink in case something happened, I needed to be able to drive.

Well shortly after we had got there, one of my girl-friends had gotten really sick. I was worried about her so I decided I would go and get her some 7-up. To help her with her upset stomach. Well I was pretty uncertain about going by myself. But, against my better judgement I had gone anyway. Since most of the buildings on Colorado were industrial, I had to walk quite a ways to get to where drinks were available.

I don't remember much of the walk until I got to this parking lot, it was like an alley way. There were like 10-15 people sitting along the wall. I knew that they had been drinking. I was skeptical about walking that way, but I decided to anyway. I just remember thinking they won't say anything if I can just walk by, cool and relaxed. Well I walked passed them and they were just really quiet. I remember the feeling of relief as I came across them. Well shortly after I passed them I felt someones presence behind me. I was scared so I just started walking faster and it broke into a casual jog. I heard their steps increase, with mine. I was absolutly terrified and he knew it.

The next thing I remember is his hand grabbing my arm. I tried to act calm, but I knew I was vunerable to him. All I could remember is how cold I felt, I was numb. I just looked at him and tried to pull my arm away from him. He grabbed me harder, and pulled me along with him. I didn't even say a word. I could hear the crowds all around, yet they were all out of sight. I just remember the other guys saying...."SHOW HER HOW TO START THE NEW YEAR OFF RIGHT!"

I kept tring to get away from him, I struggled with him for what seemed a life time. I don't remember anything about what was going on around me, I just felt his arms pulling me, his nails digging into my flesh. What I remember most is the sound of his breath. I was terrified. I thought, I was going to die. (Most of the times I wish I had.) He pulled me into a covered parking space. It was dark in there, very dark. I was so scared, I just kept thinging I am going to die. When I was cornered my him, and all he said is...."IF YOU KNEW WHAT WAS BEST YOU WONT SCREAM."

He threw me on the ground. I remember feeling the little rocks on the ground. It was so cold, The tears were dripping off of my chin, I remember the weight of them. His friends were just still sitting on the wall like nothing was going on at all. I wanted to scream, but eveyttime I tried, I couldn't nothing would come out. I remember him, touching himself, and it was then that I realized what was about to happen.

The next thing I knew was him climbing on top of me. He pulled my pants from beneath me, and threw my head against the ground. His knees were hurting me so bad, his hands were so cold on my arms. God, all I did was lay there. I should have screamed, god I should have screamed. I will never forgive myself, I should have fought or do something besides lie there. I just remember turning my head away, I just looked at the bank sign. I remember the rocks that were stuck to my cheek and the tears running into my ear. It was as if my whole life was being depleated, and all that I could do was sit there. I felt so empty laying there, it was as if I was standing there watching this happen to me. I can only remember thinking, he is almost done. But, he thrusted himself on me for my whole eternity.

The next thing I remember is him getting up and fixing his pants. He just stood there looking at me for a long time. I felt his eyes on me even though I was looking away. He didn't say anything else to me he just walked away, as if nothing had happened. I waited till he and his friends had left before I moved. I pulled my torn pants up. Wiped myself off as best as I could. I then just sat there crying. I didn't know what to do. All I remember is the sounds of the crowds around me. I kept thinking if I just act as if nothing happened I will be ok.

I had found my way back to my friends. They were all too drunk to have noticed that I had even left. I told my friend that it was getting too cold and crowded so I had wanted to go home. The drive home was the hardest part. I kept telling myself I will be ok. I can just go home and go to sleep and I will be ok.

When I got home I went into the bathroom and took off my sweatshirt. The whole neck of it was covered in blood. I was so scared, I kept thinking what am I going to tell my mom. Well I went to get in the shower and I realized, I was bleeding. I looked and I saw that I was torn. I knew that I had lost alot of blood but it was hard to tell, becuse I had on Black sweats.

I had decided that I needed to go to the hospital. As time passed and I saw the scratches and bruises, I knew I needed to go. I drove myself to the police department. Its only like 2 minutes from my house. When I got there they saw me and I told them I needed to see someone because I had been assulted. They called the ambulance for me and I had gone to the hospital. It was there that I was able to tell the doctor what had happened. I told them where and gave a description. They asked me so many questions and I couldn't answer, I just kept telling them "I DONT KNOW".

That night I came home and took a shower. I remember rubbing my skin with a scowering pad and until it was raw. I still felt him on me. I kept looking at the bruises and thinking, this didn't happen. I went to my bed that night and cried until I was empty, no more tears would come out but I was still cringing on the inside.

The next day, was rainy so I didnt have to go to work. I just sat in my bed and cried, till I couldn't cry anymore. The emptiness I felt was so overwhelming. I kept tring to tell myself it will be ok. Since I was a minor they had to tell my mom what happened. She was absolutly furious at the world. She asked me questions like you wouldn't believe. Didn't she understand I didn't want to talk about it. After that day she has never brought it up again.

I had the next two days off from work. I didn't do anything but lay in my bed and cry. I couldn't eat or sleep. I just laid there. On the third day I had to go to work. I don't even remember being there. I remember not talking to anyone, I just did my job and left. I wasn't able to tell anyone, I felt so isolated and lost and confused. I was humiliated, hurt...etc. I had bruises on my arms, thighs, shoulders and back. They hurt so badly. I had covered my self up for almost 3 months after it happened. I was scared to look at the bruises. I remember feeling his hands there. It was as if they were is fingerprints left on me.

As time passes I grew more and more into denial. It was 43 days later that I broke down. I had gone to work and was experiencing flashbacks. I was terrified. I just remember going into the bathroom and throwing up. After one of my co-workers came in and said "How are you doing?" I broke down and said I am terrible. I just cried and I told him I was raped. He just stood there in disbelief. I went home that night and all I could think is what am I going to do now.

As time went on I had told a few more people what had happened. Many don't know what to say to you, and most forget they even know what happened. Its like they are scared to ask what happened, or how you are now. I have never told anyone what has happened, till now. I am still confused and desolated. I think a lot about suicide. I am tring to overcome it but its hard when you have to get up every morning and pretend that everything is ok.

I have only had one relationship since this happened. I found myself in an abusive relationship. I should have left after the first incident of abuse but I was stupid. God, I was so stupid. I guess part of me stayed because I wanted to feel miserable. I was living with him and it was hard. It was very hard. I thought that I needed to stay to help him get over his drug problem. But in all actuality, I needed him. I was scared to leave because I had really tried at making things work and I was scared of leaving and saying I had failed at the relationship. I think leaving was a big step for me.

After overcoming that I have been thinking alot about trying to get help. Trying to face what has been buried so long inside of me. Things are getting better. I have a wonderful boyfriend who is understanding and compassionate. I am able to say that I was raped and that I am tired of feeling this way. Tired of being lost in my self, tired of being isolated. Its so hard though. I am still hurting and am so lost still. I can only hope that I will find the strength that I need right now. I still have trouble in sexual relationships. I mean I don't ever say anything to my partner because I don't want him to feel that he is violating me. I have learned to trust him and feel secure enough that I can enjoy it.

The hardest part is when I am having a bad day, or when a memory is triggered. I will feel so lost, hurt and scared all over again. My flashbacks are becoming less and less and things are getting a little easier. I am not sure if things will ever be OK. But I know in my heart that I will find it in myself to feel normal again. I know that writting this has triggered alot of pain, but I think I will be ok. I want you to know that I can relate to the pain, the isolation, the fear, and most of all the humiliation. I know its hard and I can only hope that someday it will get easier.