I am going to tell you what I remember of my abuse. It went on for such a long time that I really don't recall any specific days or nights that it happened, and it happened for quite some time. My therapist says that I have tried to erase as much of my childhood as possible as a coping strategy, but in an effort to heal, I feel it is important to remember and share my story with others. My abuse was received from my step dad, from about the age of 1 year until I was 11.
I don't know when I first started to suspect that it was wrong. I had always thought it was normal I never felt the need to discuss it. He never told me not to tell, he never hurt me. His touch was soft and gentle, he was my father. I loved him. I never felt awkward around him, and after all, it was only a small part of the time I spent with him, not my whole life. My first memories of my abuse are from a shower.
When I was younger, I often got urinary tract infections, so my mom always made it very clear how important is was for me to wash my privates very thoroughly. I remember him taking me into the shower with him, after my mom went to work, and we would play little games at first. While he shaved he would give me some shaving cream and I would pretend with him. Then to wash my privates he would pick me up by my thighs, my head resting on his neck, and spread my legs to the shower head. I used to tell him not to do that because it tickled. He said that it was supposed to, that I would get used to it. After our shower, he would take me to his room to get dressed. Before I would though, he would give me a massage with his lotion. He would lay me on the bed, and rub my legs, my bottom, my back and my neck, though he never tried to touch my vagina while massaging me. He would then say it was my turn and he would help me to rub his penis. He told me that you had to make sure you squeezed tight and make sure you rubbed it all in.
Night time was when he would take advantage of me. He did this even when my mom was soundly sleeping next to us, unaware of the abuse happening just inches from her. I would crawl into their bed at night when I got scared. He would hold me and let me know that he was there to protect me. He would hug me, and then move my hand to his chest. He would gently hold my hand and make me rub it all over his chest and stomach. He would slowly move it lower down his belly, and then he would hold my hand on his penis, using my small fingers to massage himself. I would pull back, and he would just hug me tighter. When I got scared at night is when he really took advantage of me. He would use that time to help himself when I needed him the most. He would comfort me, and then lay me on top of him. He would stick his hands down my pants, and rub my clitoris, telling me that it was ok. He was bold, doing this when my mom was in the bed right beside him. She was unaware that a foot from her, her daughter was being molested by the man that she that she loved and trusted. I was unaware of what to do. By the time I was in 5th grade, I knew it was wrong, so I just tried to avoid it, but I didn't want to tell so that I wouldn't break our family up. I knew he did have a temper, and I didn't want to unleash it. He would already be naked, and slowly he would pull my underwear off. I would say "I'm cold" or "I need to go put on some sweats" but he would say something like, "I'll warm you up." He never penetrated me, but just rocked back and forth underneath of me. I was confused, because he never did hurt me, but I knew it was wrong and I was embarrassed.
After he started doing this for awhile, I started needing it; I would wake up at night, and want it, but feel dirty and guilty for it. I wanted so badly to tell someone, but I knew they would take him away. When my older sister (with whom I found out later had been raped by him) told the police about her abuse, he also admitted to molesting me. As of today, he has spent a grand total of 12 hours in a jail cell; he is a level 1 registered sex offender, he is living by himself in a 3 bedroom, 1300 sq ft beach front house with his own private beach spot, and the family dog. That is the US justice system for ya. Because he was an upstanding, wealthy, white, male, he pretty much got off scott-free. I am angry because I don't feel he had any punishment for what he did.
Caitlin September 24th 2007
Last updated 1st October 2007